Fertility, Life, Newly weds

Pregnant or Paranoid

As you are all aware, we entered the world of all things fertility and baby making in late last December. Typically as the person I am, I had done untold amounts of research into fertility over the past monthsand already every day found myself wondering if and when it will happen.

Its such a surreal experience, constantly thinking ‘I wonder if there is a little bean in there yet’ but fighting with your thoughts and telling yourself don’t be silly it won’t happen that quickly, and trying your hardest to be ok with that thought.

Now in the past I have been the type of girl who constantly thinks she is pregnant – there is always one. Despite taking my pill properly, every month before what I can only assume would be my ‘time of the month’  nature plays a cruel trick and the symptoms of early pregnancy mimic the symptoms that your just about to have your monthly. I always had that little thought in the back of my mind – what if? Of course I never was.

So we were 5 weeks in to our adventure after coming off the pill, and entering into that zone of ‘actively trying’ (I hate that term but there’s no other way to put it) I began feeling very strange, thats the only way I can describe it, oh and hormonal – poor Dan. Again I took to the trusty internet, as a healthcare professional this is one thing we always tell our patients not to do, however I think we all know deep down that google is the first place you turn to if you need to know anything, health related or not, So here I was sitting there googling ‘can you fall pregnant before having your first period after coming off the pill?’ Mixed answers – great. Before I was on the pill I had never had a regular cycle (which worried me) and in my endless hours trawling the internet I had found out that women often had problems regaining there monthly’s after coming off the pill. So I was in two minds, I was desperate for Aunt Flo to visit – just so I knew I had gone back to normal (here’s to the only time wishing for her visit in this journey) and on the other hand just hoping it didn’t come and I was already pregnant. Wishful thinking – 6 weeks to the dot after stopping all contraception, I had an unwanted visitor.

So thats out the way – phew, at least my body works again but oh boy did I suffer, 2 years of no periods, I say no more (Sorry TMI) So she had visited, I did not want to see that time of the month again, heres to hoping ay?

I had been using this app on my phone, that I loved and still use now – Its called P Tracker Lite, so i plugged all my information in and it tells me when I am supposedly fertile and the day I am ovulating, you know the one.

As I sat here and was writing this, I had been increasingly thinking that maybe I was pregnant. I can only describe it as I felt different. I had been having such bad stomach cramps, low down like something is pulling or stretching and if I moved funny or cough/sneeze the pain is agony and my boobs ached, like all the time, and they felt very heavy, I mean I know my boobs are probably quite heavy anyway but it just feels different. For anyone that knows me knows that I love my food (I probably shouldn’t love it as much as I do as my body pays for it as a result, and I have far too many lady lumps in the wrong places) but I have been trying to cut down on foods I shouldn’t have, you know trying to be a bit more healthy to prepare my body for pregnancy, so I am eating enough but if I wasn’t eating every couple of hours I felt really shaky and dizzy, once I eat this feeling subsides. I had also been in a state of not fancying certain types of foods, to the extreme of one night I went without dinner because I didn’t fancy anything – now for me this is the weirdest of weird as I will literally eat anything.

I had a neurology appointment and my consultant was over the moon that we had decided to try and conceive (TTC), she was also thrilled that I had been headache free for months, except for the past week – I had had a headache every day, is it because my hormones are messing around, more than likely, and does all this mean I am pregnant or I am just about to get a visit from a very unwanted visitor

So 9 days post ovulation (DPO) I spent the whole day sat on the sofa, watching crap on youtube and researching all things about becoming a baby mumma, when I found myself watching videos about other women’s TTC journey’s. I was watching one, and this particular girl had all the same symptoms as me and had got a big fat positive (BFP) 8 DPO – so I did it, yep thats right I took a test.

Dan was away on a snowboarding trip, so as I was weeing into the pot, it did enter my mind, what if its positive, how would I tell him, It wouldn’t be as special telling him over the phone right?, but could I really keep it a secret for another 4 days and not tell a single soul.

I dipped the cheap pound land stick into the shallow pot, Duchess sitting staring at me…. and waited.

Nothing – a big fat negative (BFN)!! Again those same 2 thoughts raced through my mind, utter disappointment, and the realist thought of well that was obvious, I haven’t even missed a period yet. That didn’t stop me thinking though, that maybe it didn’t work because it was a cheap test (who was I kidding) cue the crazy, irrational thinking again, and off I go to the kitchen to fill up my bottle and down the whole thing… Back to the toilet, armed with a superdrug test – these ones are supposed to be good, or so google tells me.

IMG_9561

Nothing – another BFN

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Maybe I should just wait until, I hopefully, miss a period!

 

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